yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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