man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
