You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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