it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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