You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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