That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
