I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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