Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
