in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
