I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
