she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
