Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
