dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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