saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
