i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think my mom watched the whole time
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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