"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
