Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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