Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize