last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
