So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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