can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
