I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
