what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize