Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
