There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
