We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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