You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
