I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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