I think I am morally bankrupt
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
