nut hugger
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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