I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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