Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
