I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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