TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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