I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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