Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
