There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
