I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
