my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
