mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
