1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
