just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
