don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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