I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
