Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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