Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
