Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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