Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My liver just had a heart attack.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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