I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
