Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
