i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
