i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize