Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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