i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
