I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
