what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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