The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
