I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
