At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We are two peas in an std pod
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
