when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
