Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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