Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
