My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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