chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
