I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
