yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize