I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
50% drunk capacity currently
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
