I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
