I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
she looked like the before picture.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
